


I Didn't Know Where Else to Go

by astronaut10



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt and comfort, Liz goes to Ressler, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28644483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astronaut10/pseuds/astronaut10
Summary: Liz goes to Ressler at his apartment. Set sometime after 8x02. I got the idea from Keenler1112 as I just read her take on how this would go and thought it was a really cool idea, so I decided to do my own version of it! Hope you guys like it! All the credit goes to Keenler1112 for coming up with the idea; if you haven't read her story, go check it out!
Relationships: Elizabeth Keen & Donald Ressler, Elizabeth Keen/Donald Ressler
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	I Didn't Know Where Else to Go

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a sucker for all of the sweet hug moments before Liz and Ressler so of course I'd do a scene that's overly mushy like this! Hope you guys enjoy.

Liz didn't really know what she was thinking when she showed up to Ressler's door the night of her mother's death, her fresh pair of clothes that she'd put on after crying in the dirt for hours feeling stiff and wrong somehow as she walked up to his apartment, hand poised over the wood that was painted a dark, sea green. Was it wrong for her to come here? Would he even want to see her after what she'd done? Would he care that she wanted-no needed-him after everything that she’d gone through?

Tears sprang her to eyes as she thought about it, the grief at what she’d done to her closest friends hitting her like a slap to the face. She never should’ve done it; Ressler was right. They were the only people that had truly cared about her throughout all of these years laced with lies, betrayal, and death…they were the only people that she could truly rely on, truly trust, truly believe were on her side. They loved her for her… they didn’t care that she was the daughter of a former KGB agent, they didn’t care that her real name was Masha Rostova and not Elizabeth Keen, they didn’t care that Reddington had an obsession with her. They cared for her. 

She suddenly started to berate herself. How could she have been so stupid? So blind? So manipulated by her own mother in pursuit of the truth that she ignored all the red flags that had sprung up? She’d known that it was wrong when she’d abandoned them, when she’d turned her back on the task force so fast they’d hardly had a chance to blink. And yet she’d done it anyway, because she believed she’d been doing it for the greater good, that she’d been doing it to get closer to that immeasurable past she’d spent the past seven years trying to uncover. And what of those promises her mother had made her had actually come to fruition? Which of those plans they’d so carefully thought out had actually worked? It was all stupid, so stupid. And none of it even mattered anymore. Her mother was dead now…along with her answers and legacy.

Of course he wouldn’t want to see her. Of course he’d want her to just walk away, to leave him be after all of the hurt she’d put him through. Hell, she knew she wouldn’t want anything to do with him if he’d done the same to her. Liz’s hand slowly dropped limply to her side, and she began to walk away, feeling defeated and overcome with sorrow as she felt her entire world begin to truly crumble around her.

But she’d barely made it two steps before she finally collapsed under the weight of her feelings, her chest aching and her eyes pouring as she began to sob. It hurt. Goddamnit, it hurt like a son of a bitch. All of this grief, all of this sorrow, all of this pain…it was too much for her to carry on her shoulders. As much as she wanted to walk away, to forget anything had ever happened and let him get on with his life, live a much happier one without her in it, she needed him. She needed him so, so badly.

She needed him like she needed air to breathe, like she needed a cool glass of water when she was parched, or a warm hug on a cool night. She needed him. And although she’d admitted that to herself many times before, and to him a couple of times, she didn’t fully understand how deep that need went until now.

Ressler had always been the solid force at her back, a rock to keep her grounded when she felt as if she was flying out of control, a shield when she needed protecting from her worst fears, a warm presence when she felt as if she was all alone, and, most notably, her tiny island of calm in the storm that was her life. He was the only thing that could put her back together, the only person who could truly understand and console her fears.

So, as much as she felt terrible and undeserving of him, she dragged himself back over to his door, her lip trembling as she continued to cry, and her hand knocked weakly on the door. She heard faint footsteps as he made his way to the wall of wood standing before her, and it swung open not moments later to reveal Ressler in all his handsome glory, wearing a plaid shirt and jeans in place of his impeccable suits and his blonde hair combed so familiarly back it nearly made her sob. 

But just the sight of him and his concerned face as soon as he took her in was almost enough to make her break, almost enough to make her dash forward and wrap her arms around his neck and sob and sob and sob until she couldn’t bring herself to cry anymore.

“Ressler,” she finally whispered instead, breaking the silence, and she watched as his eyes roved over her, clearly checking for injuries or anything out of the ordinary as he stepped slightly out of the doorway.

“Keen? Jesus, what’s wrong? Are you alright? Are you hurt?” He went to reach for her arm, and Liz sniffled as his hand wrapped around it, the warmth seeping into her every bone.

“I-I didn’t know where else to go,” she choked, staring at him with her glistening eyes, her bottom lip still trembling as she hiccuped under his gaze. God, she was such a mess. He stared at her for only a moment, memories of years past of her standing in that exact same spot, with that exact same expression, with those exact same words flitting across his mind as he stared at her. He fully took in how broken she looked, how her tears fell onto her cheeks, how her eyes were already rimmed with his red. It tugged at something in his chest, and he allowed a silent, understanding smile to cross his face, his facial features softening as he opened the door just a little bit wider.

“Come in.” She didn’t need any more invitation than that. Walking slowly past him, Liz entered his small apartment, his scent washing over her and the familiar tables, walls, and chairs that occupied the space making her smile and easing her worries slightly. She’d forgotten how much of a comfort his place was, how much it could relax her and make it seem like nothing was wrong in the world.

She heard Ressler silently close the door behind her, and she turned around slowly as he walked over to her, setting a light hand on her back as he led her over to his couch, allowing her to sit down and get comfortable as she hiccuped silently.

“Do you want anything? A beer, a glass of water?” He asked gently, and she hiccuped again before shaking her head, wiping at her face to try and make herself look a little better as he sat down beside her.

“You clearly need to talk about something Liz, so talk to me. Even though there’s a thousand things that I want to say right now, I think it’s better if you just talk.” Liz took a shuddering breath at that, gulping as she prepared herself for the slew of the words that were about to come out of her mouth. Her apologies, her explanations, her everything would never be enough to truly express how sorry she was, but she had to try anyway.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispered, balling her hands into fists on her lap as her voice wavered.

“I’m so, so sorry, for everything that I’ve put not just you, but Cooper and Aram and Park through. I’ve been stupid, and I’ve been impulsive, and I’ve burnt every bridge that I had and destroyed every semblance of kindness that I’ve ever received, all for a truth that I’m still no closer to unveiling. I’ve allowed this need for the truth to consume me and cloud my decisions, and I’ve hurt all of you in the process.” She took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry as she continued.

“And not only that, but my mother’s now dead because of Reddington, and everything that we’d worked for and planned has fallen to shambles, and I don’t know who to trust or w-who to go to, or-“ She broke off at that and started sobbing, burying her face into her hands. Ressler didn’t seem to know what to say, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. As much as he wanted to be angry, as much as he wanted to scream and yell at her for being so stupid and for leaving him behind and for not confiding in him sooner, he just couldn’t. He could never seem to be hard on Elizabeth Keen, could never seem to be angry at her.  
He loved her too much for that. He cared about her too much for that. And he never, ever wanted to hurt her, much less see her as broken as she was now. So, taking a deep breath, he decided to say the things he really did need to say, and to be truthful. He didn’t need to berate her for everything she’d done. When she was looking him like that, and when she’d just given him an apology as heartfelt as that, he could never be mad at her. 

“I’m…really sorry, about your mother, Liz. I went with Park to investigate the scene myself after the dust settled, and it…wasn’t pretty. I can’t imagine how terrible it must have been for you.” She only sobbed harder, and he took a deep breath, squeezing her shoulder tighter.

“As for your apology…you know that I’d do anything for you, Liz. Even though you did admittedly go through a bit of a rough patch there, I’m always going to be there for you to bring you back and to help you get through whatever you’re going through. You have nothing to apologize for.” Liz looked up at that, staring into his eyes with a newfound sorrow.

“I have everything to apologize for,” she whispered, and she bit her lip as new, fresh tears trailed down her cheeks, glimmering in the low light of his living room. 

“I don’t expect you to ever accept my apology, or to ever want to be near me again. You don’t have to lie; if you want me to go and never come back, I will. It’s probably what I deserve anyways.” Ressler chuckled a little bit at that, sighing as he leaned back a slight bit.

“When will you ever learn, Keen?” He started.

“I just said that I’m always going to be there for you, no matter what. I won’t let you leave or disappear on your own. I’m your tiny island of calm, remember? As I recall, that means keeping you rooted in the middle of your chaos. It means that I’m stuck to you, no matter what.” A tiny, rare smile crossed his face in that moment, and Liz finally broke, her lips wobbling uncontrollably and her tears trickling like rivers down her cheeks as she hiccuped and choked on a sob before lunging forward, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as she sobbed and sobbed into his shoulder. It was such a Ressler thing of him to say, such a sweet statement that always had that underlying hint of a joke and that never made her doubt just how much he truly cared about her.

“I don’t deserve you,” she said, voice thick as it broke on the last word.

“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” Ressler smiled against her hair as he brought his arms up to wrap tightly around her, his hand rubbing soothingly up and down her back as Liz continued to cry and cry, seeming to not be able to stop.

It was too much to resist when she was all wrapped up in his arms, when she knew that she was safe and that she was able to be vulnerable, that she could let the tiny cracks in her foundation she tried all too hard to hide break open. She really didn’t deserve someone as good as him, someone with such a warm, pure heart.

The thought only made her cry harder, and she shook as Ressler gripped her tighter, shushing her silently as he continued to rub her back, whispering comforts in her ear.

It seemed like hours later when she finally calmed down, her tear ducts sucked dry as she took deep breaths, chest heaving. Ressler sensed her ease up a little bit in his arms, heard her painful sobs finally cease as she nestled into his shoulder further, as she closed her eyes and tried to calm her now gasping breaths.

“Are you alright?” Ressler asked softly, trying to look down to get a good look at her face, but Liz was too buried into his shoulder.

“I-I think so,” she gasped, sighing.

“I-I feel a lot better n-now that I’ve f-finally talked to someone about it, and let all of my emotions out,” she said, and it was Ressler’s turn to sigh.

“I’m sure,” he replied, and he held her for a few more seconds before he began to pull away, but Liz wouldn’t let him, pulling him back close to her.

“Can we…can we p-please stay like this for a few more minutes?” She asked quietly, her fingers twisting into the soft fabric of his shirt. 

“I-I just…I haven’t felt this calm and safe in…a while.” Ressler smiled again at that, his heart warming in his chest as he pulled her close again. 

They sat like that for a while, the occasional whisper of wind whistling by or blaring siren on the streets below the only sound as they became wrapped up in each other, completely comfortable and soothed by each other’s presence. 

Liz had, admittedly, almost fallen asleep a few times, but she’d quickly forced herself to get up again so that she didn’t leave poor Ressler to have to hold her for hours on end while she slept. She had a feeling that if she did nod off, she wouldn’t wake up for a while, the exhaustion from all of the action of the past few days finally catching up with her. 

Liz finally began to pull away, placing her hands gently on Ressler’s chest as she eased away from him, the absence of his warmth making her feel cold as he drew back as well. He allowed a hand to stay on the small of her back, staring at her as she wiped at her eyes.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, watching as she continued to wipe at her tear-stained cheeks, and Liz chuckle weakly.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I feel a whole lot better now, thanks to you.” She turned to look at him, giving him a watery smile, and he couldn’t resist reaching up to brush away a stray tear she’d missed with his thumb as he took her in. She was still so beautiful like this, even with her eyes all puffy and swollen, her cheeks red and blotchy, and her nose a bright red colour akin to an apple. She always looked beautiful…no matter what she did.

They stared at each other for a moment longer before Liz finally sighed, moving to get up.

“Well, I should probably head home. I’ve already intruded on you for far too long, and you probably want to get to sleep.” Ressler got up behind her, following her as she made her way to the door.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Going home, being alone? After everything that’s happened to you today?” Liz glanced back at him, not sure if she was completely understanding what he was implying.

“What-what do you mean?” She asked, bending down for a moment to pull up the loose zipper on her boots. Ressler cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable for a moment before he brought his hand up to his neck, rubbing at it. Liz’s eyes widened. She knew that look, that gesture. Ressler always rubbed his neck and looked away when he was nervous. But why was he nervous? Certainly it wasn’t because of her.

After taking a deep breath, Ressler finally sighed, seeming to make up his mind about something as he stuck a hand in his jean pockets.  
“Why don’t you stay here at my place tonight, Liz? I really don’t think that you should be alone, especially tonight, after everything that’s happened. I’m just worried that something might happen to you if you’re on your own.” Liz opened and closed her mouth, seemingly unsure of what to say as her hand hovered over the door handle.

“Well, I-I don’t want to intrude-“ she started uncertainly before Ressler cut her off, waving a hand.

‘You won’t be intruding at all, Liz. Just-come on,” he said, motioning for her to come back inside. Liz still hesitated, unsure.

“But-but I’d feel really bad-“ Ressler sighed in annoyance before finally grabbing her hand, forcing her back into the apartment. She barely had time to take her shoes off before he led her into his room, letting go of her hand as he went into his closet. She vaguely heard him rifling through his drawers before he emerged a moment later, a crisp white shirt and pair of plaid pyjama pants that would probably be far too big for her dangling in his hands. She had to resist the urge to laugh. He really loved his plaid.

“Do you think these’ll work out okay?” He asked, bringing them over, and Liz smiled slightly.

“Sure,” she responded, taking them from his hands as he moved quickly past her into the hallway, seeming to go into a spare closet as she heard him rifle through a few more things before moving into the living room. She quickly followed him, feeling bad that she wasn’t helping, and she found him setting up the hideaway bed stowed in his couch, putting on sheets and everything.

“Do you need help?” She asked, moving to stand next to him, but Ressler just shooed her away.

“No, no, I’m fine. Just go and get ready for bed, Liz, I’m fine.” She bit her lip, feeling reluctant as she continued to watch him, but at Ressler’s continued insistence, she finally gave up and went into his tiny bathroom, shedding her clothes as she pulled on Ressler’s warm, soft ones. She inhaled deeply as she slipped them over her head, Ressler’s scent engulfing her as the clothes fell awkwardly around her curves. They were too big, as she’d suspected, but it looked sort of cute. She certainly didn’t mind.

After washing her face and attempting to run her fingers through her knotted hair, Liz emerged back out into the living room, her clothes folded neatly in a pile in her arms. Ressler finished setting the blanket over the sheets, stepping back with a satisfied look at Liz approached, a smile on her face.

“Looks comfy,” she said with a smile. 

“I can’t wait to sleep here tonight.” Ressler turned to stare at her, a confused look crossing his face. Liz furrowed her brows at his strange gaze.

“What?” She asked skeptically as Ressler scoffed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he sighed. Had she said something wrong?  
“Come on, Keen,” he deadpanned,

“Did you really think I’d make you stay on the hideaway? You’re sleeping in my bed.” It was Liz’s turn to look confused. She couldn’t just take his bed. Was he crazy?!  
“N-no, I’m not,” she stuttered, fixing him with an astonished look.

“That’s your bed Ressler; I’m not stealing it away from you. I’m perfectly fine to sleep here on the hideaway.” Ressler blew out a breath, scoffing.

“Liz, I’m not letting you sleep on the hideaway. That’s not being a gentleman,” he said matter-of-factly, and Liz opened her mouth to argue, but he held up a hand.

“Nope. Don’t want to hear it, Keen. You’re sleeping in my room and that’s final.” Liz glared at him for a moment before finally pouting, sighing as she turned on her heel to make her way to his bedroom, going inside and dropping her things on a nearby drawer before plopping down on his-shocker-plaid bedspread. Seriously, what was it with Ressler and plaid?

She scowled at him as he entered the room to grab his pj’s, fixing him with a hard stare.

“I still don’t agree with this, Ressler,” she grumbled as he ambled back towards the door. He just snorted, moving smoothly into the doorway.

“My decision is final, Keen. You can’t change it.” And with that, he gently shut off the light, grabbing the door handle as he began to close it.

“Go to sleep, Liz,” he said gruffly, and Liz pouted again. She felt as if she was being parented, but she begrudgingly obliged as he gave her one last look before closing the door.

Snuggling under the sheets, Liz pulled the covers up around her shoulders, smiling as Ressler’s scent once again surrounded her. She could get used to this, that was for sure. 

She closed her eyes, trying to sleep, but it seemed to evade her as she tossed and turned, the sheets becoming tangled around her legs as she tried to find every possible comfortable position to sleep in.

She vaguely heard Ressler turn on the shower in the bathroom, vaguely heard him open the door and pad out into the living room, settling onto the hideaway before everything went deadly quiet. A part of her wondered how he looked when he was fresh out of the shower…how the water would glisten along his muscles, how his hair would be all wet and tousled, how his skin would be flush and smooth and-

She shook herself. Nope. She did not need to think about that, not right now. Not when she was trying desperately to sleep.

Liz tossed and turned for a few more minutes before finally sighing, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. She’d never get to sleep at this point.

Biting her lip, she slowly pushed the covers off of her, getting out of the bed as she slowly padded towards the door, straightening out the sheets as much as she could before gently pushing open the bedroom door.

It creaked and protested slightly when she pushed it open, and she winced as she tip-toed across the floor, making her way silently across the moonlight-painted floorboards towards Ressler’s makeshift bed. He was lying on his back, his one arm laying languidly behind his head while the other one sat limply at his side, his face relaxed and peaceful while he snored lightly, his mess of hair sticking up at strange angles around his head.

He looked so much cuter and younger this way; it was as if someone had given him a drink from the Fountain of Youth, and he’d shrunk back to being a teenager. Liz couldn’t help staring as a smile spread across her face, and she resisted the urge to reach out and run her hands through his hair as she gently leaned over him, reaching out to grab his arm as she shook him gently.

It took a few tries, but Ressler finally came to, groaning groggily as he opened his eyes, moving them to stare at Liz. He immediately moved to sit up when he saw her, brushing the hair out of his eyes as he did so.

“Liz? What’s wrong, is everything okay?” He asked, his voice thick with sleep as he moved his eyes to focus on her again, and Liz found herself starting at his handsomeness again. He really was too good-looking for his own good.

“I, uh…” she tried to find the right words to say, running a hand through her hair absently.

“I just…I couldn’t sleep,” she said finally, biting her lip as she turned back to him.

“I-I’m really sorry to wake you, but…could you please come and lay with me? At least until I fall asleep?” Ressler’s eyes widened slightly at her words, as if he was wondering if she'd really asked him that, but he chuckled slightly before pushing off the covers, swinging his legs over the side as he stood up.

“Sure, Keen. Come on,” he said, ushering her to follow him as he made his way back into his bedroom, walking slowly to the one side of the bed as Liz walked to the other. 

Ressler got in first, grunting as he pulled the sheets back, and Liz followed suit, tucking herself into his side as he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. She settled her head on his shoulder, and as Ressler nestled her more tightly against him, he began to run a hand up and down her back, just as before.

Liz practically melted into his touch, sighing as she closed her eyes and sleep overcame her again, Ressler’s presence and his warmth all that she had needed for sleep to finally overcome her.

Sighing as she let a hand fall to his chest, Liz smiled against him, drawing a breath.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and she could’ve sworn she heard Ressler chuckle as he just held her closer, settling his head atop hers.

It didn’t take Liz long to fall into that calm, silent pit of sleep, a smile frozen against her face as she nestled against her protective partner, the person she’d been to hell and back with. Despite everything that had happened to them, they had still managed to overcome all of their problems, to forgive each other, to find themselves back in each other’s arms. And, right now, wrapped up in Ressler, his warm body pressed up against hers, Liz had never felt safer or happier. She’d only ever needed this to feel truly at peace; his warmth, his irreplaceable, rare smiles, his big heart, his protectiveness, his funny side that he always let out around her, and his chivalrous, righteous personality that made him so good it hurt.

As long as she had that, Liz thought…she could overcome anything.


End file.
